Falling Into Love

It dawns on me that I started falling in love
long before I met you
and that I’m not falling for you…
I’m simply…falling
and part of the way down
my limbs akimbo, my hair flying
my heart porous
I catch your eye
you, who are in your own freefall –
and while our velocity and trajectory might
have different beginnings and endings
we are owned by the same master.

Love has been calling me to her
for so long now
she has been patient with me
she has let me stumble through
so much confusion about her
she has let me complicate her
when she is actually quite simple
she has let me run from her countless times
she has stood out in the cold
watched me fuck this one and that one
as if I could fuck her into me
or fuck her out of me
or just fuck her
because I could never trust that bitch anyway.

I have never known what to do
with all the sweetness and sentiment
Love is a barroom brawl for me
she is a tear-streaked girl
trying to make her way home too late
slip into her own bed after yet another
ill-advised tumble
and gather her strength and courage
to do it all again one day
because love, as I knew her
was a lot of things
but she wasn’t a quitter.

And now, she is relentless
she is accepting no more excuses
from me, she is not interested in any side trips or
part time jobs or dessert and cocktails, however
sweet or strong they may be
she wants me raw and undiluted
she wants my full attention
and so she has given me you
like a dare

She has challenged me to fall with you
because you’re already going that way yourself
but I should probably tell you now
that she’s made it quite clear –
if you can’t make it this time,
for whatever reasons your own dance with her
might change its tempo or rhythm –
I am not off the hook
under no circumstances
is she letting me go again
she’s waited for me for too long
and I have to admit

I’m ready to go home myself
I’m ready to be held by her
I’m ready to truly know her
she is as much a mystery to me
as you are, really.
We have flirted and danced,
and even fought and cried
but in the end, I always leave
and she always stays
and you just can’t keep a woman waiting
forever, you know?

So…I’m going to keep this hand out
right here where you can see it
I’m going to keep these legs open
and this heart wide and this core
penetrable
we’re going to play with all our toys together
because if we stop laughing who’s
going to want us around, anyway
but let’s not be fools
and surrender to one another
let’s not put that chain on
and call it secure
we both know better

Let’s keep falling into love
without a net
let’s not catch each other,
let’s push each other
let go of me,
and I’ll let go of you
and we’ll make each other brave
instead of safe.

I’m not taking anything with me this time
I’m not leaving anything behind
I was already falling
into love
and so were you.

Here’s my hand.
I’m hoping
you take it.

© Monica Day